Monday, September 11, 2006

Oh, the things that we do

Men will always be men. And men will always turn and look at an attractive female. Call it nature, call it hormones. It happens. And I have resigned myself to the fact that I live with a man, and that my man will follow his instincts and never disappoint a female if she happens to be attractive. He will always turn and look when one is in the vicinity. It's like this little radar that men have that starts beeping like crazy everytime a potential victim steps within range.

"Sexy, tall, gorgeous female in the short skirt straight ahead"
"Little to the left bombshell in tight pants"
"On the right the blonde with terrific legs"

He seeks them out. Without fail everytime. And I'm walking right next to him and he may be talking to me about mundane things like bills and buying detergent. But all I'm hearing is the "beep" "beep" from his radar and I'm too busy trying to see who he is checking out. No wonder I miss half of what he is saying. I'm too preoccupied trying to intercept the signals that are being transmitted.

Okay, now that I have mentally accepted the fact that I cannot stop the radar from latching on to signals that are being generated all around me, I have decided that the least I can do is to set up a filter of some kind and have a say in the ones that catch his fancy. So everytime I hear the beeper going:

"To the left, straight ahead sexy dropdead gorgeous"

I turn to see who the signal's coming from and see a woman in a skimpy top and mini skirt. And I turn to him aghast and say, "Sweetheart you can't be serious. That woman's a bitch and she's dressed like a tramp. You cannot possibly be checking her out!"

B looks at me and smiles, "But I like women who dress like tramps."

"But she's old. And she has a kid with her!"

"I've always liked older women."

Now I'm positively shattered. Not only is my husband checking out other females while he is with me. But he's checking out middle aged, trashy females. With kids! That has to be quite the limit. I mean, the least he can do is to look at nice young attractive females. Let me be proud of the ones that are catching his fancy. But not someone who looks like my middle-aged next door neighbor in hot pants. That actually goes ouch! Like a slap in the face. And that is simply unacceptable.

So now when we go out I have my own radar up and running and I take the utmost pains in picking out the very best and drawing his attention to them.

"Honey to your left... over there..... the one in the black skirt.....the one in the tank top.....over there in red".

Of course my radar language is way tamed down compared to the one his radar speaks, but we both understand what we are talking about here. And for the most part I can get him to see what I want him to see. But occasionally signals from his radar can get in the way and cause some interference.

And he goes, "No that one is too skinny. I don't like skinny girls. But on the other hand you see the woman in the tight skirt....she's hot."

And I immediately say, "But you're saying that because her neckline's almost down to her navel. She's old enough to be my mother. Showing some cleavage doesn't make her hot. And just so you know, she's got implants."

I give him a triumphant look.

He looks at me with eyes as wide as saucers and goes, "No way! How the hell do you know that?"

One knowing look later I say, "Sweetheart check out that girl to your left. The one in the spaghetti straps."

And he turns immediately.
I smile.


Labels: ,

55 Comments:

Blogger Cacophoenix said...

LOL...I have accepted the filtering as part of my other duties. It is fun sometimes though. Like when I catch him looking at some girl and the sheepish way he looks at me and blushes till the root of his hair. Or when he decided he needs to rest his aching legs in the mall right in front of the VS store. hehe.

9:16 AM  
Anonymous Just Mohit said...

Hey, just because he's looking doesn't mean he's buying! (u know what i mean...)

10:08 AM  
Blogger Anyesha said...

That is realy funny. But what about your own radar?

10:16 AM  
Blogger Dreamcatcher said...

:D Brilliant post. When you can't beat them join em :)

10:44 AM  
Anonymous KK said...

Brilliantly Funny! Did u ask him whether he uses his sideview mirrors to check out ladies while driving?

11:23 AM  
Anonymous KK said...

And everyone wonders why TV show 'Desperate Housewives' has high TRPs !

11:24 AM  
Blogger Kele Panchu said...

Window shopping is absolutely free and should be always encouraged.

We know 'all that glitters is not gold'
But (we)men look at 'inner' beauty, that's why we behold. :)

1:12 PM  
Blogger karmic_jay said...

LOL funny post. And don't let that stop ya from having your share of eye candy!

It's funny and natural I think for people to do that. As long as it's not crude or demeaning.

But he's checking out middle aged, trashy females. With kids! .... But not someone who looks like my middle-aged next door neighbor in hot pants


LOL.. I know some amazing women in their 40s. I can't believe our neighbor has 4 kids. She looks great.

BTW can I have the Tuna recipe you referred to on my blog? If you want you can e-mail ti to me or if that is an issue just post it in the comments? Thanks.. just want to try out a different way of making Tuna.

1:27 PM  
Blogger karmic_jay said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:27 PM  
Blogger karmic_jay said...

Sorry about the double post. Darn blogger!

1:36 PM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ cacophoenix which is why they have a lot of seating arrangements esp in front of the VS store in every mall :)
@ just mohit even if he ain't buying i just have this compulsion to supervise.
@ anyesha how many different radars can one have going at the same time? I realized I'd risk losing my own and rather tune into his.
@ dreamcatcher but of course :)Early life lessons for you kid.
@ kk I'm sure he does :)
And not sure what you meant about Desp housewives. Are you calling me desperate? And what on earth are TRPs? I looked up wiki and this is what I got for TRP:
" * Taxpayers for Responsible Planning
* Teacher recruitment program
* Technology Reinvestment Program
* Telecom Research Project
* Temperature reference probe
* Temporal Resolution Prover
* Temporary registration permit
* The Railroad Press
* The Readers Place
* The Resource Partnership
* Therapeutics Research Program
* Town and Regional Planning
* Transient receptor potential
* Transitional rehabilitation program
* Transmutation Research Program
* Transnational Radical Party
* Travel reduction program
* trichorhinophalangeal syndrome
* Trip reduction program
* Truancy reduction program
* Tuition reimbursement program
* tRP, row precharge time

TRP is the stock symbol for Transcanada Pipeline.

Trp is short for tryptophan."
Now I wonder what you meant *sigh*

@ kele panchu window shopping,eh? But depends where you are looking, right?
@ karmic_jay but like i told Anyesha, it is hard to keep two radars going at the same time. And I'd rather tune into his than have my own radar going.
And sure will email you the recipe.

1:48 PM  
Blogger Jinguchakka said...

wow! A very very interesting topic. I truly appreciate you trying to be his advanced radar warning system. lol.
Only if every wife is like that!
:-))

2:12 PM  
Blogger Kumari said...

hilarious post! In our house, it's slightly different. If he notices a middle-aged woman with kid looking awesome, his only response is "Make sure you look like that at that age :D"

But most times, it is my radar that goes beeping and he tries to control that radar :D

2:18 PM  
Blogger karmic_jay said...

but like i told Anyesha, it is hard to keep two radars going at the same time.

I hear ya, also his must be a source of amusement esp with re to what he picks up.
There are things about me which make *A* roll her eyes at my lack of taste, although not about this topic.
An interesting episode about thsi was when we saw a cpl walking aby the sidewalk. We noticed both of them and before I could say anything she pointed out that the woman had a nice derriere.
She turns to be with a smile and says.. c'mon you can admit it, you saw it too.
Needless to say I had a sheepish grin on.

2:44 PM  
Anonymous p said...

Why tune to his radar? What's the harm in each having their own radars?

3:28 PM  
Anonymous Just Mohit said...

Oh by all means, supervise if you must! Just remember that the forbidden fruit always looks more golden! (Loads of mixed metaphors, eh?)
On the other hand, if he's obvious about it, it probably means it's harmless checking out...and that might just be a source of relief in this day & age! ;-)

4:39 PM  
Anonymous Just Mohit said...

Oh & btw, great to have you back!

4:40 PM  
Blogger Tabula Rasa said...

that's running a smart interference. i can't believe that your radar would be the anywhere near the same as his.

9:30 PM  
Blogger Pallavi said...

Is that true? Do married men ogle arnd women like that...:(?

11:36 PM  
Blogger Rimi said...

Oooh, you smart girl you! But shouldn't it be comforting that your husband checks out middle-aged women with plunging necklines? *insinuating smile* After all, we can't grow younger, but...

Incidentally, the masculine radar is not all that it's hyped to be. A friend of mine often has to have hotties pointed out to him and even then, he misses a great pair of legs while he's ogling a pair of deadfully common 32 Bs. Ki bolbo :P

BUT, brilliant, brilliant post!

2:04 AM  
Blogger Priya said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:10 AM  
Blogger Priya said...

ROTFL, Super duper post! Finally, finally, your are getting there babe! I have been doing this for ages now, since the situation demands so. N's blind, well partially. More often than not he misses such eminently ogle-able materials. So have to describe such things in graphic detail. Now, I notice, the radar automatically beeps. Btw, tor email id ta please dibi abaar, misplaced it:(

2:15 AM  
Blogger Seashells said...

LOL... all beauty is meant to be appreciated... so what if i have a Picasso at home !!! The Van Gogh in the museum has its own charm ;-).

7:47 AM  
Blogger Dadoji said...

A wonderful post indeed.

Well, men *are* different because they clearly know what they want. Unlike the women who are...oh well, today is not my get-into-a-fight-with-m day. :-P

> a potential victim steps within range

Not a necessary condition. Track-while-scan and lock-on are two different modes of a radar. ;-)

And what is it with women that makes them want to control men instead of (or, even despite) learning to appreciate the absolute trust men place in them? Anyway, I am counting my stars.

7:54 AM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ jinguchakka thanks :) Now if he should be as grateful...
@ kumari well if both radars were left to their own then we'd all be in trouble. As long as you can both tune into the same frequency it should all be fine :)
@ karmic_jay "his must be a source of amusement esp with re to what he picks up" you bet!
@ p because it would be really hard to have two radars going at the same time. And I would rather pick up what he's tuning into than set up my own. It's way more interesting to see what he's checking out. And then like I said I need to supervise to make sure he's not tuning into the wrong frequency. It reflects bad on me :))
@ just mohit harmless or not I always try to make sure that he picks the best fruit available. And BTW I never went anywhere...that was a joke.
@ tabula rasa yeah the interference is kinda hard to deal with :)It always gets in the way.
@ pallavi oh yeah all the time. B claims being married makes him more attractive :)
@ rimi B's pretty good at spotting everything on display. He has a keen instinct. Except lately his interest seems to leaning towards the older variety which seems shocking to me. But like you say may be I should be comforted by the fact :)
@ priya *LOL* good for you and N! Mail korchi.
@ seashells :) Well I was never quite into art and Picasso was never a hit with me. Give me a Van Gogh anyday. And Monet is one of my favs. But then art is everywhere and men will appreciate it all the time.
@ dadoji no fight day :))And yes we control and supervise inspite of all the trust. Even though it's just looking and appreciating, I still want to keep him from looking the wrong way. Control freak, huh?

9:09 AM  
Blogger Point 5 said...

u r kidding rght....I cannot believe this !!

10:35 AM  
Blogger Szerelem said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:18 PM  
Blogger Szerelem said...

hilarious....!!!
i cant believe men cant make out fake boobs...esp in those down to the navel tops...and while male eye candy is nice, i think its often more fun to check women out...

12:18 PM  
Anonymous anjali said...

have your own radar...i do it regularly and my husband feels a bit outwitted in his own game. Nowadays, we point out 'lechable material' to each other. :)

BTW, TRP stands for Target Rating Points. It's a term used in evaluation of media - ads, TV shows etc.

12:55 PM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ point 5 I'm dead serious :) What is so unbelievable?
@ szerelem "its often more fun to check women out" agreed :))
@ anjali *lol* well as long as you complement each other...symbiosis :)
And thanks for the explanantion on TRP. Even though I wasn't sure what the abbrevaiation was exactly i knew what it meant. I was just kidding :)

3:12 PM  
Blogger GettingThere said...

Well, how about putting up a radar that checks men out? You will have some fun, while your husband will be getting a dose of his own medicine :D Be interesting to see his reaction to that!

3:22 PM  
Blogger Acroyali said...

haha :D lovely post...

i've had major problems everytime my radar's been intercepted :)

i'm good... been a little busy with placements, exams and stuff coming up...

hope you're doing good...

thank you so much for dropping by :)

5:58 PM  
Blogger Kausum said...

Funny post! Radars, Detection and Estimations!

Still in awe over your radar able to detect implants! But I guess its an experience, which comes with the job!

Interestingly,"have a say in the ones that catch his fancy" -- the woman wants to have a say in the man's hallucinations!

Reason for Beeping : (Quoting)

"Someone told me theres a girl out there
With love in her eyes and flowers in her hair.
Tryin to find a woman whos never, never, never been born.
Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams,
Telling myself its not as hard, hard, hard as it seems."

7:07 PM  
Anonymous KK said...

Damn you! You were kidding about the meaning and I was wondering how to explain the comment!

Btw, I never said you are desperate, but if you think so .. hmm .. what can I say

7:11 PM  
Blogger Shreemoyee said...

Why not shop around some for yourself and enlist the hubby too?

8:00 PM  
Blogger Rohan Kumar said...

I think there is a well defined line between say being appreciative of someone who's looking good and open mouthed drooling and gawking. Unfortunately ur hubby seems to be on the other side of the line but fortunately he has you over too for company :)

P.S. Your last post was beautiful, left me completely speechless

8:06 PM  
Blogger qsg said...

I'd rather take a guy who does this overtly, than one of the sneaky ones! :)
Great post... not sure how I will react to this when I am married - who knows if I will be that "understanding"! :))

1:13 AM  
Blogger Sagnik Nandy said...

so i have a serious question. do you by any chance have a younger sister with similar achar and vichar who is unmarried? if so great! if not ... well can you get me in touch with some of the tramps you pick for hubby dear??

2:11 AM  
Blogger Bonatellis said...

delightful ...
now let's be honest here. If YOU look attractive, you'd want approval/acknowledgement from male eyes, right?
so why be a hypocrite - your hubby is only contributing to the desires of womankind, is he not?

And remember what Shakespeare said - "all things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed" ... so after a few years of marriage all other women appear more attractive and more appealing ... now that's human nature ...

now on the older woman bit - see, once a man is in his 30s, provided he is a wee bit matured, it's only natural for him to like WOMAN rather than teeny boppers.

2:35 AM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ gettingthere :) also realized that there aren't that many check-worthy men out there.
@ acroyali good to see you again. Good luck with your exams and stuff. Look fwd to seeing some new posts soon.
@ kausum "the woman wants to have a say in the man's hallucinations" that is no hallucination. Delusion, may be. Fantasy, oh yes. But reality for the most part :) And BTW I sincerely hope he's not out there looking for someone with "love in her eyes" !
@ kk you said it...
@ shreemoyee doesn't seem worth the trouble :)
@ rohan well you know how it goes....till death do us part and all....I can't let him go there alone, can I?
And thanks *blushing*
@ qsg well as dreamcatcher says when you can't beat them join them :)
@ sagnik sorry but I'm an only child :) And I try to keep the tramps away. May be I'll just fwd them to you :)
@ bonatellis I did agree and accept that fact right away that men will always "appreciate" a thing of beauty and I'm okay with it.I'm not being hypocritical. I'm being honest and supportive, wouldn't you say? But when he checks out a cute young chick I say to myself, well she's isn't worth competing with. But when he starts checking our older women it's like warning bells in my mind. I'm still younger and prettier than she is. Then why the hell is he checking her out?

9:04 AM  
Blogger GhostOfTomJoad said...

Hmm. I'm sure he didn't need any help in doing what he was doing but now he must feel like he's won the jackpot! :-)

9:41 AM  
Blogger Szerelem said...

you know there is some truth in what they say about women dressing to impress other women. No?

11:52 AM  
Blogger karmic_jay said...

I'm still younger and prettier than she is. Then why the hell is he checking her out?

Why he is checking her out is a bit hard to quantify I would say.
A person may have something maybe a smile, a way they dress or carry themselves that might cause the radar to ping. I think its momentary and nothing more. Thats my explanation for why I might check someone out who may be older than my hon.

12:08 PM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ theghostoftomjoad :)) He definitely doesn't need help but two pairs of eyes are better than one, what say?
@ szerelem I don't know about the impressing bit. But women love to tear another woman's fashion sense apart *evil grin*
@ karmic_jay liked your explanation :)Try explaining that to "A".

2:46 PM  
Blogger Dadoji said...

> it's like warning bells in my mind

A-ha! The truth spills out finally. So, it is not the aesthetic sense that drives someone to direct the hubby's attention elsewhere but insecurity - mebbe even inferiority - complex. Hmmm...well done. :-P

Yes, today is a get-into-a-fight-with-m day. :-D

4:04 AM  
Blogger Aparna said...

Gosh, am late...but this is so familiar...of course, I never understood why I was doing it, that is filtering out the eye-candy around, but now I realize that I was unconsciously trying to cultivate good taste in hubby...we women never give up...my mom hasn't,a fter 30+ years of amrriage, so why should I?

8:13 AM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ dadoji well the get-into-a fight-day won't really work :) Because I'm not in a very fighting mood today :) And you are right. It is the insecurity at play here. An ego problem :)
@ aparna "unconsciously trying to cultivate good taste in hubby" that is so funny. But yeah why should we give up?

9:22 AM  
Anonymous KK said...

Interesting, are you saying your man currently had bad taste in women. I imagine thats why they look around for "women with love in her eyes" after marriage!

11:00 AM  
Blogger karmic_jay said...

@ karmic_jay liked your explanation :)Try explaining that to "A".

I will. Stay tuned :)

1:47 PM  
Blogger vuttaa said...

he he. u must read that 'Men are from mars.." book!! but, what's wrong with all that oogling? as far as i know all women love being looked at, minus the hanglapona!! some love that too. so why blame the mere facilitator?? :)

1:57 PM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ kk no I'm not saying that. Just that sometimes I'd rather direct his attention elsewhere.
@ karmic_jay :) ok
@ vuttaa I'm sure the checking out is flattering. And I'm not blaming anyone here. As long as it goes in the right direction.

8:27 AM  
Blogger Ratna said...

Hilarious Post :) I stopped doing this radar filtering a while ago and started my own radar. Check that guy in jeans and polo shirt kind ;) Now my DH's radar atleast is very careful about this signal recieving when I am around:)

7:43 AM  
Blogger The Smiling Girl said...

Hahaha... So u know what I do? I check out other men in the vicinity when he is checking out the other women. Chup chaap seedhe raste mein aa jayenge.. try to karo.. :)

5:13 AM  
Blogger The Smiling Girl said...

Hahaha... So u know what I do? I check out other men in the vicinity when he is checking out the other women. Chup chaap seedhe raste mein aa jayenge.. try to karo.. :)

5:18 AM  
Blogger Tabula Rasa said...

Late addition:

"The day we stop lookin', Charlie, is the day we die."

- Al Pacino, in Scent of a Woman.

2:20 PM  

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