Crazy little thing called love

You know you've been married for a while when.....

• you meet your husband after a week and you notice lipstick on his collar. And you can joke about it.
• you're having a romantic dinner and your husband is checking out other girls. And you are helping him do it.
  
• you find it highly amusing when you see someone being overly affectionate in public with his spouse. And you assume it is not his wife.
  
• you tell him to start using Rogaine and he tells you to buy some anti-wrinkle cream.
• he forgets your anniversary. And you still forgive him.
• he goes to the night club with a "hot" girl from work and you're not worried.
• you don't rush to do your hair and put on make up just before he gets home but greet him in your PJs and oil in your hair.
• he no longer finds your burnt dinners 'different but delicious'.
• and when his idea of a romantic dinner is take-out chinese, you don't sulk simply because you are glad that you did not have to cook for that one night. Or do the dishes for that matter.

Marriage.

It changes you in more ways than you can imagine.

Oh, the things that we do

Men will always be men. And men will always turn and look at an attractive female. Call it nature, call it hormones. It happens. And I have resigned myself to the fact that I live with a man, and that my man will follow his instincts and never disappoint a female if she happens to be attractive. He will always turn and look when one is in the vicinity. It's like this little radar that men have that starts beeping like crazy everytime a potential victim steps within range.

"Sexy, tall, gorgeous female in the short skirt straight ahead"
"Little to the left bombshell in tight pants"
"On the right the blonde with terrific legs"

He seeks them out. Without fail everytime. And I'm walking right next to him and he may be talking to me about mundane things like bills and buying detergent. But all I'm hearing is the "beep" "beep" from his radar and I'm too busy trying to see who he is checking out. No wonder I miss half of what he is saying. I'm too preoccupied trying to intercept the signals that are being transmitted.

Okay, now that I have mentally accepted the fact that I cannot stop the radar from latching on to signals that are being generated all around me, I have decided that the least I can do is to set up a filter of some kind and have a say in the ones that catch his fancy. So everytime I hear the beeper going:

"To the left, straight ahead sexy dropdead gorgeous"

I turn to see who the signal's coming from and see a woman in a skimpy top and mini skirt. And I turn to him aghast and say, "Sweetheart you can't be serious. That woman's a bitch and she's dressed like a tramp. You cannot possibly be checking her out!"

B looks at me and smiles, "But I like women who dress like tramps."

"But she's old. And she has a kid with her!"

"I've always liked older women."

Now I'm positively shattered. Not only is my husband checking out other females while he is with me. But he's checking out middle aged, trashy females. With kids! That has to be quite the limit. I mean, the least he can do is to look at nice young attractive females. Let me be proud of the ones that are catching his fancy. But not someone who looks like my middle-aged next door neighbor in hot pants. That actually goes ouch! Like a slap in the face. And that is simply unacceptable.

So now when we go out I have my own radar up and running and I take the utmost pains in picking out the very best and drawing his attention to them.

"Honey to your left... over there..... the one in the black skirt.....the one in the tank top.....over there in red".

Of course my radar language is way tamed down compared to the one his radar speaks, but we both understand what we are talking about here. And for the most part I can get him to see what I want him to see. But occasionally signals from his radar can get in the way and cause some interference.

And he goes, "No that one is too skinny. I don't like skinny girls. But on the other hand you see the woman in the tight skirt....she's hot."

And I immediately say, "But you're saying that because her neckline's almost down to her navel. She's old enough to be my mother. Showing some cleavage doesn't make her hot. And just so you know, she's got implants."

I give him a triumphant look.

He looks at me with eyes as wide as saucers and goes, "No way! How the hell do you know that?"

One knowing look later I say, "Sweetheart check out that girl to your left. The one in the spaghetti straps."

And he turns immediately.
I smile.

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage

I've been reading quite a bit about about marriage on the blogosphere lately and it seems to me that a lot of people are thinking, considering and reflecting on marriage and going over the why, when and whom issues (see here, here, here, here and here). That brings me to something that's been on my mind regarding why people want to get married and how other people perceive it.

Like this question I've got from quite a number of people regarding having kids. It seems to me a lot of folks believe that two people should settle down and tie the knot primarily so that they can have kids. What the hell! I mean, isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've heard of? Of all the reasons I would have considered for wanting to get married that would probably be something I'd never have come up with. I mean, yes, it is nice to have a family with kids and all but not my reason for wanting to get married. Okay so I'll have kids at some point. But that will be when I'm ready for it. Not because I have the license to have them. Because it appears to me that for a lot of people that's what marriage is all about. A license to have sex whenever you want to and start a family. Give me a break. Please.

My next door neighbor tells me that her daughter's been married for over two years but she couldn't get pregnant until now, because her husband was still in school and they couldn't afford to have kids until he graduated and got a job. Point noted. She seemed mighty unhappy that her daughter married someone who couldn't afford to raise a child and that they had to be "careful" for two goddamn years even though they were married. Alright so marriage equals procreation. And anything that comes in between is considered strange.

We had rented a cabin up in the mountains for our sixth wedding anniversary and the lady who let us in was shocked at the fact that we didn't have kids. She was like "you've been married for 6 years and you still don't have kids"!!! Like we were some kind of freaks. She looked at me and goes "why?" Like it was her business and I had to tell her about some secret malfunctioning organ that I had which prevented me from getting pregnant or something. I was really shocked at her reaction.

And then yesterday someone else goes "you've been married that long and you still don't have kids?" Will someone please tell me if reproduction is the next natural step to getting married. Fine, society expects married people to produce babies and also people producing babies to be married. Not to say that there aren't exceptions. But that's what they are. Exceptions to the general rules of society. And I'm not saying that having babies is bad or something that I don't want. Like most other girls I always dreamt of having my own family and the "living happily ever after" bit. But only when I am ready for it. Not because I'm married and I can or am expected to. That I find ridiculous. A child is precious and parents have to be ready to welcome the baby into the family, into their lives. You don't have a baby just because you're married and you don't have a clue about contraception.

So why is it that so many people equate getting married with having babies? Can't people just marry because they are in love and want to spend their lives together? What about companionship and spending quality time together? Aren't those enough reasons to want to marry someone? You marry because you love and want to be with a person. More than anything else in the world. More than anyone else. And may be someday have a family too. But not simply because you want to start making babies. Come on, you don't even need to marry to do that these days. In fact you don't even need to have sex for that. Just go adopt a kid if you are so badly in need of having one.

Okay I agree that when people talk about family they envision kids. And I have nothing against that. I adore kids. Except I just don't like looking at me with incredulous eyes and thinking that I am some sort of a freak who is unable to procreate. I don't like people going "why haven't you had kids if you've been married for such a long time". All I'm saying is that we got married early, before any of my friends did, because we were in love and we wanted to be together. And that is good enough reason for me.

And that I would think would be the only reason why someone should get married.

Matchmaking and more

Like I said I had to write up a new post to keep people from reading about my weirdness. I was reading this post and wanted to comment, but realized that I had so much to say regarding this matter that it warranted a separate post by itself.

Wikipedia defines marriage as "a committed relationship between or among individuals, recognized by civil authority and/or bound by the religious beliefs of the participants." Arranged marriage is the same except when dictated by parents, family and social pressure. One of the most frequent questions I get from my US based friends and co-workers is whether as a girl raised in India I had to go through an arranged marriage. And they seem quite surprised when I tell them that I never had to face any kind of pressure from my family when I decided to get married. And honestly I don't entirely blame them. Even in a time when India is poised at the helm of a global economy with so much new information and interest in the country, its culture and traditions, there are still questions in people's minds about "elephants" and strange "Hindoo" practices. It probably seems unreal for them to accept that coming from India I may have had a childhood and upbringing that is not so dissimilar to what they had in the US. And yes when it comes to making choices and taking decisions about my own life I do have the freedom to do what I think best.

It seems to me that more and more people from the Indian subcontinent are taking their own decisions when it come to tying the knot. Most of my friends and cousins have had the so called "love marriage" where they were allowed to decide on who they would marry and spend their life with. When I look at the generation that preceeded mine I can count on my fingers the number of couples I personally know who were allowed to marry person's of their own choice and still be left with fingers to spare. On the same hand. And if I look at the generation that preceeded that......well, some things are better left alone. So honestly yes, things have come a long way from what they had been a few decades back. And yes, society is learning to accept and even embrace the "love marriage" concept.

But inspite of all the changes there are still certain taboos. For example things like caste and religion. When my great-grandfather was getting married, his family not only made sure the bride would be from a traditional bengali brahmin family but also that she had to be part of the "kulin" section which allowed him to marry into the same strata of social heirarchy. Decades down the line when my cousins and I were getting into the marriageable age, no one really cared much for what caste we were marrying into as long as we ended up marrying a decent person. But I know people who have met with resistence from family because of caste issues which still mean a great deal to a lot of families. Religion again is a whole different ballgame. I know a handful of people who have married outside of their religion and each one of them have had a hard time getting their family to accept the fact.

As I said most people I know are taking their own decisions for marriage these days. The key word here is "most'. What happens to the ones that are unable to find their mate? B has a cousin who is about 26 years old, finished her Masters degree and teaching in a college. Her parents have been trying to find her a groom for the last couple of years. Unfortunately it appears all the good men folk have been taken during their academic years and the ones that keep coming up are total jerks. Like the one who declared that he had a large family and required a certain amount of dowry. Or the one who refused to let her work once she got married. Or the one who had a history of mental illness. Whats irks me to no end is this endless search for a groom is leaving such a debilitating effect on the poor girl. She is pretty, she is smart, and she is a genuinely nice individual. She would make a wonderful wife for anyone. Yet, she is paraded in her finest to anyone who wishes to "see" her, made to sing so that some weirdo can judge whether she can sing him a lullaby when he goes to bed, bring in a tray of refreshments so her potential in laws can visualize her in the kitchen, show off her artwork and needlework and handcrafted items so people can say whether she is good with her hands. I guess the only thing that she is unable to show her future husband and in laws is whether she is good in bed. Which judging from the men that are stopping by I would imagine was the only thing that they care about. And everytime a family stops by and passes judgement it leaves the girl with her self-esteem a notch lower and feeling less wanted than ever before. And it makes me want to throw up. I ask her parents as to how they can do this to their own daughter and why they let her be humiliated publicly. And they say to me that their hands are tied and society dictates that their daughter should be married off by a certain age and as legal guardians this is the best they can do.

So what is it about a "certain age" that society feels should be binding when it comes to getting married? I remember getting my first marriage proposal when I was fifteen. Some "friend" of my Dad suddenly decided that I would be the perfect wife for his seventeen year old son and wanted to make sure that he "booked" me in advance by having us engaged. Needless to say my parents were shocked at the idea and turned him down on the grounds that it was way too early to be thinking about my marriage and they would let me decide when the time was right. The strange thing was both me and the other guy were still in school and people were already thinking about marriage! All through college I have been faced with situations where people have tried to set up alliances. Any social gathering is fair game. Especially weddings and Pujas. They are the holy ground for people to single out prospective brides and grooms and figure out who they are, what family and caste they belong to and try and set up some sort of connection to get the ball rolling. Two months before I got married I was at a friend's wedding when a rather enthusiastic lady came up to my Mom and introduced herself as Mrs so-and-so. She went on to say that she had found me very attractive and having found out that I had just completed medical school she thought I would be an ideal bride for her nephew who was a doctor. Before we could say a single word she added her nephew had finished his FRCS and was returning to India to set up his own practice and needed a wife who would understand the call of his profession and therefore it would be good if she was a doctor too. However the family was not too keen on a careeristic woman because she would not take care of the family and would I be okay with not pursuing any post-graduation but staying at home. I almost thought that I was having a nightmare. First of all here's this woman who we had not ever seen or heard of until like two minutes back. Then she was standing there trying to set up an alliance with someone I had no clue about. And most importantly she had the audacity to propose the most ridiculous offer I could imagine. Could this woman be for real? Before I could say anything my Mom told her that I was getting married in less than two months and wheeled me away from the woman. I was almost on the verge of asking her how she proposed to find such woman for her nephew. Till this date I wonder whether that family found a suitable bride for the guy, someone who would be so enthralled by the offer of being his wife that she would be more than willing to stay at home and give up her career.

This is turning out to be one of the longest posts I've done and I think I shouldn't torture anyone who has had the patience to read so far, anymore. My whole point was not trying to say that arranged marriages are bad and don't work. That is generalizing. There are probably more examples of people in arranged marriages who have held on than people who had love marriages and broke up. But that would probably be due to other reasons. Expectations for one. People who fell in love and got married have a certain amount of expectation from their partner as opposed to an arranged marriage where you go in blindfolded not knowing what to expect. And when a partner falls short of expectations that's when things start looking a little rough. Another reason why arranged marriages in the past fared so well was because women were dependant on their husbands and the family. With more women working and financial independence comes self-esteem and the knowledge that one can get out and still survive. In today's world I guess that point would be evened out.

I am not passing judgement on anyone here but personally I would never go the "arranged" route. I feel the whole procedure of the "arrangement" is demeaning to the girl and her family. People should be encouraged to take decisions about their own lives and allowed to live with their decisions. And if it happens to be a mistake, then what the heck.......you only have your ownself to blame.

Update: Found this really nicely written post on the matter and couldn't help but link it here.

My Cousin PR

I just spoke to my aunt B this morning and she asked me to find a nice girl for my cousin PR because it seems he really wants to settle down in life and get married. What really amazes me is the fact that PR has so far been unsuccessful in finding a girl to marry him. He's reasonably good looking with the cutest dimples that I always envied when we were kids. He works out a lot and has a great physique. So he's not the tallest guy I've met, but what do you expect when most men in my family have an average height of 5' 6"! So he did not end up doing a lot of higher studies unlike most of my other cousins, but he graduated alright and is making a decent living for himself. He has a flat, a car, a job and I'm assuming some money (don't I sound really materialistic?) ......he has a nice personality from the little I remember of him from our growing up years. And yet, he still does not have a girlfriend? Am I missing something here? Come on, every Tom, Dick and Harry in Calcutta has a girlfriend even before they land up in college. Okay, so PR did not do his school or college in Calcutta, or India for that matter. But he has spent the last six or seven years in Calcutta finding himself a job, working hard at it, doing pretty well and interacting with a whole lot of people. And yet he did not find a girlfriend!

From what I remember of PR he was a really sweet guy. Girls adored his American drawl and his cute accented bangla. He was funny and he was very affectionate. He used to flirt around with Bubs, a very close friend of mine who unfortunately for PR had a boyfriend and and things never went any further. I kind of lost touch with PR over the years and have seen him only twice in the last ten years or so. And I honestly believe PR is the kind of person a lot of girls would like to be with, yet he would have a hard time getting someone to marry him. And it's probably because of my aunt B. Aunt B is the biggest influence in PR's life and he adores her. And as much as aunt B is a wonderful, passionate, determined, aggressive, intelligent and loving woman, her colorful and mystical lifestyle has made and broken PR's life in ways that cannot be fathomed.

Aunt B separated from her husband and got a divorce when PR was only 4 years old. As a mother she got custody and PR stayed on with her. She met someone a year later and remarried only to find out that this guy was a jerk, a sick man who was an alcoholic and physically abused both mother and son. Aunt B left her second husband and tried making a living for herself and PR for the next few years. When PR was in his early teens Aunt B returned to her home in India to re-build her life the way she saw fit. She married again. PR could not adjust to the life in India and went to live with his Dad in the States. He finished school and college and decided to move in with his mother who by that time was divorced and living by herself. PR struggled to adjust to the life in India and sheer determination and a fierce love for his mother saw him through everything. He found a job and worked hard to make a living for himself and his mother. He stood by his Mom inspite of every little pressure that our middle class Indian society thrusts upon a woman who's been divorced a number of times and yet strives to make her place in the world. He stood by her while she battled cancer and survived. He loved and protected her with all the passion he was capable of. And now at a time when he would like to settle down and live his own life society thinks twice before letting him find a bride. Probably because he carries the stigma of his mother's personal life. Probably because he is the fruit of a loveless marriage, a broken family, disruptive childhood, abuse and mental torture. Nobody will ever know what PR's childhood was like......how he felt, what he went through, and why he became the person he is today. I give him a lot of credit for turning out to be such a decent person, someone with so much love in his heart, someone who made something out of his broken up life. I would not have been surprised if given the circumstances that PR was growing up in, had he turned to drugs or anti-social activities. Yet he emerged a survivor. And I admire him for that.

And I would like to find PR a nice girl. Someone who would understand him and where he is coming from. Someone who would understand his love for his mother. Someone who would understand and accept aunt B for what she is. Someone who would love him and give him the love he so deserves.

I have no idea where to find her.