Tuesday, January 24, 2006

My Cousin PR

I just spoke to my aunt B this morning and she asked me to find a nice girl for my cousin PR because it seems he really wants to settle down in life and get married. What really amazes me is the fact that PR has so far been unsuccessful in finding a girl to marry him. He's reasonably good looking with the cutest dimples that I always envied when we were kids. He works out a lot and has a great physique. So he's not the tallest guy I've met, but what do you expect when most men in my family have an average height of 5' 6"! So he did not end up doing a lot of higher studies unlike most of my other cousins, but he graduated alright and is making a decent living for himself. He has a flat, a car, a job and I'm assuming some money (don't I sound really materialistic?) ......he has a nice personality from the little I remember of him from our growing up years. And yet, he still does not have a girlfriend? Am I missing something here? Come on, every Tom, Dick and Harry in Calcutta has a girlfriend even before they land up in college. Okay, so PR did not do his school or college in Calcutta, or India for that matter. But he has spent the last six or seven years in Calcutta finding himself a job, working hard at it, doing pretty well and interacting with a whole lot of people. And yet he did not find a girlfriend!

From what I remember of PR he was a really sweet guy. Girls adored his American drawl and his cute accented bangla. He was funny and he was very affectionate. He used to flirt around with Bubs, a very close friend of mine who unfortunately for PR had a boyfriend and and things never went any further. I kind of lost touch with PR over the years and have seen him only twice in the last ten years or so. And I honestly believe PR is the kind of person a lot of girls would like to be with, yet he would have a hard time getting someone to marry him. And it's probably because of my aunt B. Aunt B is the biggest influence in PR's life and he adores her. And as much as aunt B is a wonderful, passionate, determined, aggressive, intelligent and loving woman, her colorful and mystical lifestyle has made and broken PR's life in ways that cannot be fathomed.

Aunt B separated from her husband and got a divorce when PR was only 4 years old. As a mother she got custody and PR stayed on with her. She met someone a year later and remarried only to find out that this guy was a jerk, a sick man who was an alcoholic and physically abused both mother and son. Aunt B left her second husband and tried making a living for herself and PR for the next few years. When PR was in his early teens Aunt B returned to her home in India to re-build her life the way she saw fit. She married again. PR could not adjust to the life in India and went to live with his Dad in the States. He finished school and college and decided to move in with his mother who by that time was divorced and living by herself. PR struggled to adjust to the life in India and sheer determination and a fierce love for his mother saw him through everything. He found a job and worked hard to make a living for himself and his mother. He stood by his Mom inspite of every little pressure that our middle class Indian society thrusts upon a woman who's been divorced a number of times and yet strives to make her place in the world. He stood by her while she battled cancer and survived. He loved and protected her with all the passion he was capable of. And now at a time when he would like to settle down and live his own life society thinks twice before letting him find a bride. Probably because he carries the stigma of his mother's personal life. Probably because he is the fruit of a loveless marriage, a broken family, disruptive childhood, abuse and mental torture. Nobody will ever know what PR's childhood was like......how he felt, what he went through, and why he became the person he is today. I give him a lot of credit for turning out to be such a decent person, someone with so much love in his heart, someone who made something out of his broken up life. I would not have been surprised if given the circumstances that PR was growing up in, had he turned to drugs or anti-social activities. Yet he emerged a survivor. And I admire him for that.

And I would like to find PR a nice girl. Someone who would understand him and where he is coming from. Someone who would understand his love for his mother. Someone who would understand and accept aunt B for what she is. Someone who would love him and give him the love he so deserves.

I have no idea where to find her.

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28 Comments:

Blogger True Blue Guy said...

Wow, I sure wish PR finds someone - I believe that there is someone for everyone and i'm sure PR will find someone with a little prodding and perhaps help from you :-)

Oh and if you do know where to find 'her' let me know so I can look there too :-D

cheers

1:39 PM  
Blogger Brown Magic said...

PR sounds like a stand up guy. good luck to you and him in finding the appropriate girl.

also, yeah, everyone at home IS in a relationship. i dont know a single single soul. what gives?

3:33 PM  
Blogger Point 5 said...

I guess it is a matter of the right person, at right place at the right time...I am sure PR will find someone

12:18 AM  
Blogger Grafxgurl said...

M you just gave me a job... gimme the specs..lol. i shall hunt.. anything in specific he likes?!?!?

its hard to find the right person.. sometimes.. i would really wonder if i was meant to be single....all my life.. i knowhow it feels..its the one thing that i couldnt figure out...

hope he finds someone soon...Hugs.... i love you for writing things like this.. from the heart... never stop....you are one of my favourite bloggers.

1:26 AM  
Blogger Casablanca said...

That sounds like one of the most genuine matrimonials I've read. Maybe you'll find him someone in the blogosphere? :)

Good luck for the search.

3:36 AM  
Blogger Abhi said...

// Come on, every Tom, Dick and Harry in Calcutta has a girlfriend even before they land up in college.

Ouch.Something just snapped in my heart.Looks like I am not one of these toms or dicks or harrys.:)

All the best for the search.He really sounds like a nice guy who would make genuine attempts to make his family happy .Wish I was a girl ! ;)

7:57 AM  
Blogger Prerona said...

sounds familiar dear. if ur from a broken family, with a 'colorful' mom, if u know what i mean, its easy finding people to go out with, but hard finding people to marry. even if u do, u feel weird anyway, bcz u think deep down inside that a regular person could never relate to u, under ur masks of normality. or u to them and their happy memories of childhood.

but having said all that, i hope u find PR a cute nice girl. after ur done searching amaar jonno ekta chhele khoj ;)

8:27 AM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ true blue guy if I knew I wouldn't be still looking.
@ brown magic I heard he said that all the nice girls were either too young or married! Where have the nice single girls gone?
@ point 5 I hope so too...
@ grafxgurl you sweetheart....you just made my day!
@ casa gosh did that sound like a matrimonial??? I was just cribbing....in general.
@ hitler's soul I'm sorry....I didn't mean to hurt your feelings with that statement. But then....you really don't wanna be a Tom Dick or harry, do you?
@ prerona I know it is difficult for someone who hasn't been through the pain and the hurt to actually understand where you're coming from. Ans sure, if I do find a nice guy I'll definitely let you know :)

11:26 AM  
Blogger DD said...

that was bheri sweet :). but isn't it difficult to perform such ghotkali from amrika?

and i echo hitler's soul's comment. :D

11:38 AM  
Blogger satchisgod said...

Baah...ei toh besh...officially registry office khuley boshechen. Taachara jonogoner jerom aapnar opor otuloniyo bishash aar bhorosha...dekheo mon bhorey jai.
And as regards my blog. Purono ta shotti-i Ivan-the-terrible kheyey gachey. Tobey e-mail nombor diley shotang notur site-er jodish boley debo.

And Hitler and DD ebong onnanyo babaji-der janai...bheri byest oph lakh.

12:59 PM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ dd I have no clue how to do ghotkali....from here or anywhere else :) Okay so you aren't part of the T/D/H category either :))But fingers crossed....

@ biplab atlast some words from the devoured soul! Thank God for that! Were you a victim of hacking or was it intentional? Do enlighten at m25cal@yahoo.com
As far as jonogoner bhorsha I am a bit surprised myself. Wasn't intended as a matrimonial search or an offer of my services even though it may have sounded like one. Honestly I wouldn't dare hook up people because if something goes sour I'd hate to lose either of them.

4:23 PM  
Blogger Ron said...

PR sounds like a really nice guy. Kintu how will you do matchmaking from America? Hmm..tell me a little more about him my dear, let me look around here and find a nice girl...*pushes high powered glasses up her nose and sits up expectantly* :P

2:23 AM  
Blogger Ashmi said...

don't worry my sweety!...i'm sure there is someone who'll love and adore him just the way he is...its truly shameful that people still pass judgement based on what they perhaps have only heard of...how can someone just assume he's not going to keep their daughter happy just coz he has comes from a broken family...it needs true mettle to bear all the hardships of life and still keep up that smiling face...hats off!to his momwho bore it all...it take a lot for a single woman to battle out life alone...people seem to be all waiting to pour out their poison...what i guess people envy is not so much the fact that she is a divorcee but the fact that she is still leading life with her head held high,never bowing to circumstances that bow her down...ok, can i ask you a question...how old is he....coz i've a cousin for whom we are on the look out for a groom but just don't seemt to find a good one...if necessary you can mail me...which you'll find on my blog...don't worry, god must have made a wonderful match for him too whom he'll find soon :-)

6:21 AM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ ron everyone here thinks I'm playing the matchmaker here which I am not. I was just wishing out loud.
@ ashmi you are such a sweetheart. I know people are very judgemental esp about social issues. And yes aunt B is a brave and strong woman. She has a lot of faults and is partly responsible for the traumatic chilhood my cousin had, yet I admire her courage and determination. I am not here to judge anyone and people choose the path they want to take in life. But I sure hope PR can settle down in life and be happy.

9:32 AM  
Blogger satchisgod said...

Ashmi and other goody-goody people:
well, isn't it rather plain that if someone's mother was quite upto an Elizabeth Taylor act, the son's family life is just as much prone to ending up as dysfunctional? I mean, what in the name of jezus-effing-christ would we judge pple by other than what we've heard of, read about...and the likes, you know:)
Awww, I'm sooo evil :D
And M...thankoo, mail korey diyechi.

10:32 AM  
Blogger Sanity Starved said...

I don't know, but I feel some things are good as are. And some things are better if they come to you and you don't think of it.

I guess what I am saying is PR sounds good to me from what I read here. He will have someone to take care of him when it is right, but he sounds good with his mom. Maybe not in conventional sense, but that sounds happy :)

Sorry about not getting to you earlier. Thank you :)

2:17 PM  
Blogger babelfish said...

all the single nice girls are probably hiding in the woodwork and there aren't too many single nice men visible either...honestly I think sometimes it's a question of finding the right person at the right time, you have to wait...still wish you tons of luck m :)

2:37 AM  
Blogger Jinguchakka said...

Dysfunctional family is a big social stigma and if you are part of one such, you are abhorred,, particularly among holier-than-thou relatives. Hmmm....

2:47 PM  
Blogger aparna said...

I don't know what is dysfunctional and what's not. Every family is dysfunctional some way or the other. In some cases it's apparent and in some it isn't.

When the time is right, i am sure someone nice will come along. Most important thing is she shouldnt come into his life for any other reason but him, not because of his mother or his father or anyone else.

Yes, in our society its still a rarity, but i will give you a personal example. My maternal grandmother was separated from her husband. And this was the 1950s... she never married again, but such were the circumstances that she had to take a very 'bold' decision. And in the 1950s india, my mother and her siblings had to face a lot of social bullshit because of grnadmas decision. but my grandmother was one strong woman and she lived her life head held high and brought up her children well... and all of them are well settled, they found partners who valued them for what they are and not because they came from a 'broken family' as percieved by the society.

Everything happens at the right time i guess and its better to wait for the right person than rush into something just because everyone else thinks that way... my best wishes to PR :)

11:04 PM  
Blogger Priya said...

The right time, the right person...all very relative. Who decides the time's right? And who's a 'right' person? PR's mom obviously married those people because she thought they were "right" for her. Right? And she did what she thought right, when she considered it the "right time". I think it's the same with most of us, whether we fall in love or our parents find us someone.
Marriage is the biggest gamble we take, those of us who do take the plunge.
Totally agree with Aparna, that every family is dysfunctional in some way or another. And I think the kitschy generation these days is pretty aware of this and take it in their stride. We're in an era of open marriages, marriages of convenience and what not. So social taboo may be taking a new meaning as well.
As regards PR, let's hope there's a soul mate awaiting him in the most unexpected corner.

1:52 AM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ biplab I really can't agree with what you are saying here. Okay agreed that we judge people by their environment and family and the likes, but isn't that a little unfair and harsh? I think if a child grows up as part of a dysfunctional family he/ she craves the love and security of a loving family. Something that he or she missed out on. Wouldn't he or she try a little harder to make things work? I do not think it is very nice or right to judge anyone by standards set down by his/ her parents or friends or society. Everyone is a individual with his/ her way of making things work. And there's nothing "goody-goody" about that!
@ pidus ghosh thanks for stopping by. And yeah may be PR is happy in an unconventional sense but when all his friends and family are settled dwon living their own lives, I believe there is a certain longing to have the same. The love between a mother and child is something different and special. But it cannot replace that of a married one.
@ babelfish may be you are right. Time will tell.
@ jinguchakka thanks for visiting here. And couldn't agree with you more. And isn't that sad?
@ aparna thank you for visiting my blog. And thanks for the beautiful comment. I am sure it must have taken a lot of courage for your grandma to raise her children as a single mom, esp in those days. Social pressure and stigma are still glaring aspects of our daily life, something that we cannot learn to ignore. And it takes a great deal of courage to walk a different path. What is sad is the people who get hurt in the process. And I know aunt B's family had to deal with a lot of social stigma because of her colorful life. And yes, people were hurt, ties were broken, and a lot of misunderstandings occured. It takes a lot of courage to live that kind of life. And a lot to accept that and go on. I only hope there is someone who can see beyond all that and accept PR with love.
@ priya insightful as always. Social stigma has come a long way. I mean yes there are women who divorce and live as single moms and society has accepted all that. Then why is it that people are still so beat up about getting girls married off before a certain age otherwise "loke ki bolbe" or bug their children about having grandkids otherwise "loke ki bolbe" and all that hogwash? I know a girl who left her husband because of domestic abuse and although she would love to return to her parents in Delhi still tries to find a life for herself in the US because if she returns there will be this multitude of wellwishers and busybodies who will interfere in her life, why she got divorced and how she should marry again. So I don't think society has come of age...yet.

11:43 AM  
Blogger Mint Chutney said...

Wonderful post. How old is he? (taking notes).

9:20 AM  
Blogger Bonatellis said...

if the name (by any chance) is priya ranjan, I must say u've got a mighty tough task on your hands :)

9:54 AM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ mint chutney nice to see you here. And I really wasn't doing a matrimonial here. But for the record and all those who asked PR is 32.
@ bonatellis actually PR has a very trendy and nice name not to belittle anyone named priya ranjan :)

10:12 AM  
Blogger shakester said...

i guess one can;t toally discount the way people (elder, mostly?) see prospective young men and women, and see them vis-a-vis their family and background....but gosh, its frustrating.

2:36 AM  
Blogger ubergeek said...

Hmm... I think anybody who finds him nice and appreciates his mom wouldn't let silly prejudices stop her.

8:53 AM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ akr I agree every bit. But it is so frustrating.
@ ubergeek well in India marriages are betwen families and it is not just a decision of the bride/ groom. And it is the family bit that has been a problem.

9:30 AM  
Blogger Ashmi said...

sorry Satchisgod, i'm trying to be no goodie....i'm stating facts, which i think is right, that's it....and yes, i don't consider you as a devil as well...it takes courage to follow what you thinnk is right and i hope i too can put my thoughts and belief into action...

4:41 AM  

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