Monday, June 19, 2006

Do I make you proud?

You'd think seven weeks would be enough time to say the things you want to say. Sadly, it still falls short. There are so many things that I wanted to tell you, so much I wanted to share, and yet as the time draws near for you to leave, I find it increasingly difficult to find a way of letting out those bottled up emotions, those pent up feelings.

There are times in my life when things happen. And I want to rush up to you and tell you every little detail, every boring bit, in excruciating detail. But I can't. Because you are not here. And I tell myself that I will store the memory. And when I see you next I will let it all out. Everything. How I felt and how I missed not having you here at my side. And I have imaginary conversations with you. I imagine what you'd say to me and how you would react. And then time goes by. And I see you after all these years. And all those stored memories, all the bottled up feelings want to come out in a rush. And the thoughts trip over each other in their mad scramble to be let out of my mind. And everything is a confused mess. And I stand there just looking at you wanting you to know how much I miss having you in my life. Our lives. And the words remain unspoken, trapped within my mind, trying to fight it out. And you never know.

All my life I just wanted you to be proud of me. I've tried to be the best I could. Because you have taught me to aim high. And even as you pack your bags to leave, I feel like I have not done enough. Haven't said the things I should have, spent as much time as I wanted to, given as much joy as I could have. But I am grateful for having you here with me for the past few weeks. You'll never know how much it means to me to have parents like you.

I love you Mom and Dad.....have a safe trip home.

Labels: ,

30 Comments:

Blogger the wannabe indian punkster said...

I havent seen my parents or my sister in over three years.

sigh.

:(

1:12 PM  
Blogger Prerona said...

sigh ... hard times. all the best. first time mom came oer and left i felt so msiserable ...

1:50 PM  
Blogger GhostOfTomJoad said...

Must've been a long time ago that I read that - obviously I'm going to paraphrase - while one can live with the regret of having done something, it's the regret of not having done (or, said) something that is killing. I regret not having done/said a lot of things in my life, so I know how it feels...but, it seems, you still have the time to save yourself the bother.

If you can't say it...for whatever reason...tell them to read your blog :-) They'll be quite happy with it :-)

2:02 PM  
Blogger Cacophoenix said...

As keats said "Heard melodies are sweet, those unheard are sweeter still". Perhaps your parents really do know what you feel and what you need to say and enjoy the fact that you still have so many things to share. And perhaps the actual saying of all those collective incidents really dosen't matter because in the end all you need to do is give them a hug and a kiss. Been there, felt that and have been feeling that for quite a while now. Take home the happy memories and be safe.

2:29 PM  
Blogger Jinguchakka said...

Amen!

8:29 PM  
Blogger Tabula Rasa said...

m, it's not my place to say this, but this is from the heart. please tell them. it is very hard to live with the regret of not having told. find the courage and do it. you yourself will make you proud. and them.

2:15 AM  
Blogger karmic_jay said...

Very well written. But please do tell them how you feel. Write a letter if you can. I did write as my post here said.
My dad did tell me he got the letter, I am not sure if he will reply. Every child -parent relationship has a different dynamic I guess.
Thanks for the heartfelt post and it touched me.

8:10 AM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ the wannabe indian punkster thanks for stopping by my blog. I know what you mean. I met my parents after 4 years. It is sad.
@ prerona there is no way to get around the sadness.
@ ghostoftomjoad I can't ask my parents to read my blog. That would make me too self conscious. But I've been trying to tell them over the past few days through words as well as actions. Of course they know how I feel. But I wish I could do more.
@ cacophoenix that is so sweet. I agree with you completely that somethings are better left unsaid. And I think they know very well how much it hurts to see them leave. I wish I had spent more time with them, been able to give them more joy. No matter how much you get, there is always something that you want more.
@ jinguchakka :)
@ tabula rasa thanks for saying this. Sometimes it is hard to put into words certain emotions. And I find it hard to express mine. But like cacopheonix says I've given them hugs and kisses and tried to let them know how much they mean to me. I think they know. I only regret not having spent more time with them.
@ karmic jay I read that post of yours earlier. It is a beautiful letter. I don't know if I can ever express myself that nicely. I have tried to tell them sometimes through writing a few lines in cards and letters. I wish I could let them read my blog since this is where most of my emotions are let out. But I can't. I just hope I am half of what they wanted me to be. I am a little blue at the moment, so please excuse my whining. And thanks! I mean it.

8:48 AM  
Blogger Cacophoenix said...

Even though I try going home every year or so, it breaks my heart to leave my family behind. I know it breaks theirs too. There have been times when I hated God for letting me grow into a big girl. But my very wise mother told me, that it thrills them and makes them proud to no end that I am able to live my life and do the things I have loved and that makes them much more happier, than having me be by their side. I assure myself that after 20 odd years of my torture it was finally time to give them some peace.

10:43 AM  
Blogger karmic_jay said...

I am a little blue at the moment, so please excuse my whining. And thanks! I mean it.

You don't have to thank me. :)
And you have every right to be blue and a right to whine. This is your space after all and it's not easy to be away from your folks and the toughest past is when they leave. Hang in there :)

10:48 AM  
Blogger karmic_jay said...

But my very wise mother told me, that it thrills them and makes them proud to no end that I am able to live my life and do the things I have loved and that makes them much more happier, than having me be by their side.

Thas what they said to me too. It always amazes me at hoe altruistic they can be when it comes to their children. I wish I have some of that.

10:56 AM  
Blogger Bonatellis said...

ahhh, just went thru this 2 weeks back ...

2:22 PM  
Blogger Seashells said...

Been there but more importantly done that... Find the courage to say what you want to, and believe me, you'll be the happier one around.

PS: I'm not a girl. LOL.

2:49 PM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ cacophoenix beautifully said. And I'm sure that is exactly what my parents would say too.
@ karmic jay "you have every right to be blue and a right to whine" thanks :)
"It always amazes me at hoe altruistic they can be when it comes to their children. I wish I have some of that." People say that one's priorities in life change completely once they have children. I wouldn't know. But looking at the things parents do for their children I am sure it is true.
@ bonatellis hopefully you made the most of it while they were with you.
@ seashells you're not a girl??? I have no idea why I thought so. May be because you write with such sensitivity. Gosh, do I feel like an idiot. I apologize. Please don't stop coming to my blog because I made such a silly mistake.

3:14 PM  
Blogger Brown Magic said...

@m - oh m - you're good people.

3:45 PM  
Blogger Seashells said...

Such prejudice is not good, you know. :P Take it easy. i did. :)

9:30 PM  
Blogger Ekta said...

awwww!
Thats a lovely post!
uv written down everything I want to say to my folks as well!
Nothing to match the look of pride that we see in our parents eyes!

10:14 PM  
Blogger Rohan Kumar said...

Beautiful beautiful post, almost seemed unreal to read my feelings but in someone else's words although in a manner I would nevevr have been able to do so myself. As for the time needed to express all our feeling to our parents you's think a lifetime basked in their love would be good enough ....... never is

10:34 PM  
Blogger Priya said...

Always wonder, how you can express your feelings so well in words. I always choke. So just feel and hope others feel the same.

12:19 AM  
Blogger sapna said...

aaw thats so sad.. i stay just 5 hours away from my parents, yet i hate watching them leave each time... its almost as if they're going to some other planet! my problem is i tell them too much, pamper them silly and end up looking silly myself!

2:14 AM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:44 AM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ brown magic not half as good as i want to be, but thanks anyways.
@ seashells you came back! Yipee! Thank you. And yes, I know. And I take it back.
@ ekta I agree with you completely. No matter what we do there is always so much pride and joy in their eyes that somehow it makes any little achievement worthwhile.
@ rohan you say the right things too. Only better. And truly, no amount of time is enough to show love and gratitude to one's parents. I just can hope that they understand.
@ priya that is such a compliment....thank you! I guess we all feel it. Sometimes we get to express it and sometimes we don't.
@ pearl it's always hard to see them go, no matter how near you live. And as far as "pamper them silly and end up looking silly myself", I'd say nothing you do can make you look silly to them. So enjoy yourself and the time you get to spend with them. I ended up stopping by the store last evening on my way back from work and ended up buying chocolates and all kinds of goodies that they are fond of to take back with them to India. Somehow you can never do enough to satisfy yourself.

8:45 AM  
Blogger Generally_Speaking said...

That is a really lovely post. I find it difficult to express my emotions to my parents and tell them how much they mean to me. I don't know but I guess some families are not as expressive as others. Heck, sometimes I really wish that I could give them a bone crushing hug and tell them how much I appreciate them.

10:05 AM  
Blogger Truth Fairy said...

Aww! I know exactly what you feel. My Mom was here for 3 weeks last month and we had just moved into our new house. So she spent all her time unpacking and cooking and cleaning and I let her! The only place I took her was DC for a couple of hours. I wish I could undo it now. But can't. :(

11:01 AM  
Blogger Bonatellis said...

M: yes, i did ...

priya: that's precisely why u have to tread softly :)

2:10 PM  
Blogger Kumari said...

Sometimes we always come short of words when we need to express ourselves, especially to people who matter the most.

Very endearing post :)

7:27 PM  
Blogger sapna said...

True M, and you know what, they are coming to spend the weekend with me today!!! Am so thrilled I've asked my help to just help and I'm doing ALL the cooking. Am all smiles... but there's always a sunday too... never mind, wont think abt it right now :) (Wish I couldve had some of those chocolates too!!!!)

1:25 AM  
Blogger sapna said...

silly not in front of them, but in front of my in laws!!!!!!!!!!!!

1:26 AM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ generally_speaking well it is harder for some people than others to express their feelings in words. So I did what you said "could give them a bone crushing hug and tell them how much I appreciate them".
@ truth fairy there are always regrets. I have so many. Of not having spent enough time with them. for not having taken more time off from work, for not having taken them to more places, for having let them help around the house, for not having snuggled up to them more often. And it makes me want to cry.
@ bonatellis good for you! And yes, this one's hurting right now, so tread with caution!
@ kumari thanks!
@ pearl that is so great. I am sure they will appreciate your efforts. Have the most wonderful time and try not to think of the day when they will leave. After all they always stay with us inside our heart.
"in front of my in laws!" lol

8:40 AM  
Blogger Madhooo said...

It is a very beautiful post. It touched me.:)

1:46 AM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home