Thursday, November 02, 2006

Just so you know

You think that you know him better than me, understand his needs more than anyone else. AndI know that we've never had this conversation before..... but there are some things that I would like you to know. Like the way I met him, bonded with him. The way things used to be.

Like a whiff of fresh air he came into my life. And suddenly there was a whole new meaning to everything around me. As I held him, gently caressed the soft skin, watched him sleep, for nights on end, rocked him in my arms when he woke up, sang him sweet lullabies and watched him dream, it felt like there could be nothing quite as beautiful as that little baby in my arms. The countless nights that I stayed up to feed him, nurse him, comfort him, the endless days that I fed and bathed and took care of him, watching him grow and smile and take his first wobbly steps. I held his hand as he went to school, full of apprehension and fear of the unknown. I sat with him every single day as he learnt his tables, recited his rhymes, read his book. I took him to the playground every afternoon and watched him run and play and fall and get hurt. I wiped away his tears and dressed his wounds, I read him stories of Kings and little Princes and watched his eyes light up with joy, I waited for him to get home from school, run through that door and call out to me, impatient to tell me about how well he did in class, what he had learnt in school that day. I made him his favorite food and watched him gulp it down in a rush to be able to go out and play.I washed his clothes and saw him get mud and dirt all over his starched pants. And I listened to his dreams and what he wanted to do in life. I watched him grow and take his first steps. Into the world. And out of mine.

The first time I saw you with him I knew I had lost him. The look in his eyes as he talked about you, the way he smiled and watched you as you spoke, the way he held your hand, the love in his eye, told me everything. And that moment I knew he had found someone to spend the rest of his life with. And I had spent so many hours praying that he finds you someday, yet suddenly I felt empty. And alone. Like the whole world was closing in on me. And I wept. Because I was so happy for him. And the two of you. And it was so hard to let go. He was my baby after all. The most important person in the world to me. And I used to be his world once. His window into the world. And now suddenly everything was changed. He had found someone else to talk to, be with, share his innermost feelings, his dreams. His life. And I was left standing on the outside. Just clutching on to memories. My memories.

And please don't get me wrong. I love you too. I love you for loving him. Taking care of him. My baby. I see the two of you together lost in your world, making plans, building your future. And it fills my heart with love and pride. I see the love in his eye when he talks about you, tells me everything that you do for him, and how you make his life complete. And I pray that his happiness lasts a lifetime. And that all his dreams may come true. I see the passion in him as he explains some math problem to you or the fervour when he explains the workings of finance or engineering or something else that has him fascinated....and I remember a time not so long back when he would do the same to me as I tried my best to keep up with his zest and enthusiasm. But looks like I have fallen back. Unable to keep up with his pace. And now he has found you. To walk with him every step of the way. As I sit back here and watch him walk. Away from me. A step further away with every passing day.

And I keep trying in my own way to make him happy, keep him smiling. The way it used to be. To have his eyes light up when I make his favorite food, or have him smile when I buy him something that he wants, a hug that means the world to me, words that I hang on to reassure myself that he is still my baby. And I hurt when he says he'd rather have you do things for him. I hurt when he turns to you instinctively when he needs something. I hurt because he does not need me anymore. To baby him.

And I live in my memories. Of how it felt to hold him for the first time, have him smile at me, or call me 'Ma', the first steps, the first days of school when I cried everytime I left him there, the way he laughed, or cried, his success and his failures, his happiness and his sadness, the way he bought something for me with his first paycheck, the way he would throw his arms around me and tell me that I was the best Mom in the world. And I wish him well and always pray for his happiness. And sometimes you may think I am being unreasonable. But always know that he is my baby. And this is the love from a mother's heart.

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49 Comments:

Blogger Tabula Rasa said...

pre-emptive strike? :-)

11:09 AM  
Blogger Perspective Inc. said...

Aww!

12:29 PM  
Blogger Perspective Inc. said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:29 PM  
Blogger Jinguchakka said...

A post far ahead of its time? :-)

Or one trying to be in the protagonist's shoes while actually the one who stole the baby?

:-)

Hope you are not one of your serious moods.

12:35 PM  
Blogger Sanjay said...

Nice post, probably how my mom felt in some ways after I met *A*

1:47 PM  
Blogger Seashells said...

Sometimes i wish i were more than a twin face... i wish i were twins...

3:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5:48 PM  
Blogger Sandeepa said...

Hey, what about
SHE is my baby..doesn't the love from a mother's heart whisper the same for her daughter too.

"And I hurt when he says he'd rather have you do things for him. I hurt when he turns to you instinctively when he needs something."

Instead of being hurt mother of a daughter feels a sense of relief when her daughter finds someone suitable, someone to trust to hold her hands...Why the difference ?

8:11 PM  
Anonymous grafx said...

sigh...no WONDER moms have a hard time giving up their sons!!

the root of all in law problems!!!
"i hope you baby him as good as i babied him!"

*runs away before M can smack her* *:D
sorry im in a really crazy mood right now :D

9:35 PM  
Blogger Rohan Kumar said...

Someday you will win te Best Mom runner's up trophy hands down ....... someday (sorry my mom stole away the winner's trophy) ;)

10:08 PM  
Blogger Chilla-Bong said...

....................A long Silence

That was my spellbound comment :)

3:18 AM  
Blogger Ekta said...

Lovely post!....

3:41 AM  
Anonymous Just Mohit said...

No Comments...

Gonna call my mom now!

Thanks

6:24 AM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ t.r. premptive? :)) hell, no. And definitely no strikes here. Just a thought.
@ perspective inc. :)
@ jinguchakka does everything have to be about me? May be. May be not :)
@ sanjay may be....you could ask her :)
@ seashells did I miss something here?
@ sandeepa not to speak less of anyone here, but try looking at the Dad's heart when she comes in with her chosen one. When his little girl who used to be his world suddenly finds her own. Just trying to get into someone else's shoes for a change to understand things better :)
@ grafxgurl well it is about the sense of belonging and whether one is ready to give that up.
@ rohan like I said this doesn't really have to be my story :)) But glad that your mom is still the current champion :))
@ chillabong and here I am acknowledging it....thanks :)
@ ekta thank you
@ mohit take care :)

8:29 AM  
Anonymous KK said...

No comments!

But a beautiful and real story which captures all the emotions beautifully.

10:40 AM  
Anonymous Adopted Bong said...

Khuki,

Gosh, now I really feel old. My eldest son is 13 and as is their wont, my wife (the bong mother) is somewhat deeply attached. He's just started high school and is beginning to find his own feet in many ways. The struggles you write about are taking place in front of my eyes - very Erma Bombeckish actually. Nicely written - it is really gut wrenching to see them walk away....

11:09 AM  
Blogger Tabula Rasa said...

okay, i'll check back in twenty years :-D

12:10 PM  
Blogger Jinguchakka said...

May be? Hmm...why do I think I've hit the bull's eye?

:-))

12:58 PM  
Blogger Seashells said...

hmm... well... the secret is that i want to be twins... i dont want a twin.. get my point ?

7:51 PM  
Blogger Anyesha said...

Hmmmmm....interesting!!!And it would be wrong to suggest otherwise...wouldn't it?Everytime you come up with one of these I feel like giving you a call and meeting up for coffee.

7:54 PM  
Blogger Kausum said...

I am in awe, you wrote the feeling of a mom whose kid is married.

I am impressed by your keen sense of observation and I would say well-articulated blog post about emotions.

How come, each article of yours has so much depth of emotions and a range of emotions which I havent seen anyone else write.

I am impressed ... aar ki bolbo!

12:54 AM  
Anonymous Ph said...

:)

5:53 AM  
Blogger Prerona said...

beautidully written :)

11:48 PM  
Blogger Arthur Quiller Couch said...

Sheer saccharine. You can do much better.

1:52 AM  
Blogger Dadoji said...

m: Don't get me wrong. I liked what you have written. It is beautiful. But you know what is more beautiful? A mother who feels it all and leaves it all unsaid.

Cheers!

4:10 AM  
Blogger Bidi-K said...

touching post...

2:53 PM  
Blogger Priya said...

Hope the m-i-l is reading;) U'd win the world's best d-i-l award, hands down. Eto maaska lagachish keno, btw?

5:16 AM  
Blogger Shuv said...

what about 'kyuki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi'??

7:13 AM  
Blogger GhostOfTomJoad said...

Is this a fictional piece? Nice :-)

8:41 AM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ kk thank you :)
@ adopted bong I feel like I should call you kaku at the least with the 'khuki' thing that you have going :) But I know what you are saying. it is always hard to let go.
@ t.r. LOL okay its a deal :)
@ jinguchakka how about may be?
@ seashells yes this time I do :) Hard either way. Like a double edged sword.
@ anyesha well thank you :) And with you catching up might not be that difficult.
@ kausum I thnk you are being a little too generous over there :) Thank you! I was trying to be sincere here.
@ ph nice seeing you here. Really.
@ prerona from you that means a lot :)
@ a.q.c. thank you so much for the vote of confidence :) And you're saying that I must sport a warning for people with phenylketonuria about reading my blog, huh?
@ dadoji it does come from a mother who leaves it unsaid :) We on the other hand can only imagine what she may be actually feeling and blog about it :))
@ bidisha thanks!
@ priya The MIL does not read and thank God for that :) No maska I swear :))
@ shuv exactly :)
@ ghostoftomjoad you're back? yay for that! And fiction? One man's fiction is another one's reality :)

10:12 AM  
Blogger Jinguchakka said...

:-))

5:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmmmmmmmmmm ... what is the provocation for this?

- Bonatellis

4:57 AM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ jinguchakka :))
@ bonatellis looks like you still have problems with logging in :) How's it going with your MIL? And provocation? Not at all.

8:45 AM  
Anonymous Anu said...

Are you Madhu Lal by any chance?

12:52 PM  
Blogger Ghetufool said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:07 PM  
Blogger Ghetufool said...

jatrapala-y naam lekhan, bhalo jombe.

6:07 PM  
Blogger Bharath Hemachandran said...

Beautiful post M. Fab stuff!

6:49 PM  
Anonymous KK said...

So that you know ....So that we all know....

Choto theke jaa maya aache
Cho (read 6 in bong) bochore ki chole jaabe
Cho bochore ki chere dite parbe
Nijer Pran ke aar nijer moton bhalo bhasa deye arek jon,
oi maya theke chara jaabe
Kintu mukh bujhe, bukhe pathor rekhe
hese aar ei maya ke accept kore newa
eta ki kom, eta ki kom
Paas e aache kintu tau door
Ma na hole eta nischoi bojha mushkil
Aar ma hi ei maya ke maniye nite parbe
Onno keu noi.


So that we all know and respect.

8:48 PM  
Blogger Rishi said...

Phew!!...beautiful!

5:53 AM  
Blogger Shirsha said...

hey, that was really touching!

7:06 AM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ anu I'm sorry but seems like you have mistaken me for someone else :) GL with finding your friend though.
@ ghetufool accepted the offer from a natyo-company earlier. aage bolben to, ta hole sign kortam na :)
@ bharath thanks for stopping by and thanks again!
@ kk thanks, that was beautiful. And we do know. And we respect. Thanks!
@ rishi thanks for visiting my blog. Do come back again :)
@ shirsha thanks for stopping and leaving a comment.

1:37 PM  
Blogger qsg said...

A very touching post, m! You just can't repay parents! I have no idea how they let go when they do! :)

9:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

m: yes, the screw-up happened after i moved to beta blogger ... my company has security restriction on beta blogger, but strangely not blogger.com ...
in short, i can't blog any more :)

-- Bonatellis

12:22 AM  
Blogger Aparna said...

Hmm...I hate this post, it makes me so emotional and weepy, and also feel guilty...
Which just means - you stand apart when it comes to putting emotions on paper!!!!

7:16 AM  
Blogger M (tread softly upon) said...

@ qsg I don't think we should even try to....
@ bonatellis can't you change back to what you had earlier?
@ aparna thanks :) didn't mean to make you cry though.

11:08 AM  
Blogger Tanushree said...

You made me cry at work!!! This was lovely, felt like I was looking right into a mother's heart. Still can't swallow past the lump in my throat...

3:11 AM  
Blogger Chander Dogra said...

I always thought the song "You will always be beautiful in my eyes' was song sung by father to a daughter ...now i think perhaps it was a mother for his son....

1:52 PM  
Blogger Rohini said...

Lovely post. Can't bear to think of the day when I will no longer be the woman in Ayaan's life.

2:13 AM  
Blogger Dadoji said...

m: So it is like projecting a 3D cube on paper as a 2D square. Losing a dimension. Beautiful just the same.

1:50 PM  

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