Just so you know

You think that you know him better than me, understand his needs more than anyone else. AndI know that we've never had this conversation before..... but there are some things that I would like you to know. Like the way I met him, bonded with him. The way things used to be.

Like a whiff of fresh air he came into my life. And suddenly there was a whole new meaning to everything around me. As I held him, gently caressed the soft skin, watched him sleep, for nights on end, rocked him in my arms when he woke up, sang him sweet lullabies and watched him dream, it felt like there could be nothing quite as beautiful as that little baby in my arms. The countless nights that I stayed up to feed him, nurse him, comfort him, the endless days that I fed and bathed and took care of him, watching him grow and smile and take his first wobbly steps. I held his hand as he went to school, full of apprehension and fear of the unknown. I sat with him every single day as he learnt his tables, recited his rhymes, read his book. I took him to the playground every afternoon and watched him run and play and fall and get hurt. I wiped away his tears and dressed his wounds, I read him stories of Kings and little Princes and watched his eyes light up with joy, I waited for him to get home from school, run through that door and call out to me, impatient to tell me about how well he did in class, what he had learnt in school that day. I made him his favorite food and watched him gulp it down in a rush to be able to go out and play.I washed his clothes and saw him get mud and dirt all over his starched pants. And I listened to his dreams and what he wanted to do in life. I watched him grow and take his first steps. Into the world. And out of mine.

The first time I saw you with him I knew I had lost him. The look in his eyes as he talked about you, the way he smiled and watched you as you spoke, the way he held your hand, the love in his eye, told me everything. And that moment I knew he had found someone to spend the rest of his life with. And I had spent so many hours praying that he finds you someday, yet suddenly I felt empty. And alone. Like the whole world was closing in on me. And I wept. Because I was so happy for him. And the two of you. And it was so hard to let go. He was my baby after all. The most important person in the world to me. And I used to be his world once. His window into the world. And now suddenly everything was changed. He had found someone else to talk to, be with, share his innermost feelings, his dreams. His life. And I was left standing on the outside. Just clutching on to memories. My memories.

And please don't get me wrong. I love you too. I love you for loving him. Taking care of him. My baby. I see the two of you together lost in your world, making plans, building your future. And it fills my heart with love and pride. I see the love in his eye when he talks about you, tells me everything that you do for him, and how you make his life complete. And I pray that his happiness lasts a lifetime. And that all his dreams may come true. I see the passion in him as he explains some math problem to you or the fervour when he explains the workings of finance or engineering or something else that has him fascinated....and I remember a time not so long back when he would do the same to me as I tried my best to keep up with his zest and enthusiasm. But looks like I have fallen back. Unable to keep up with his pace. And now he has found you. To walk with him every step of the way. As I sit back here and watch him walk. Away from me. A step further away with every passing day.

And I keep trying in my own way to make him happy, keep him smiling. The way it used to be. To have his eyes light up when I make his favorite food, or have him smile when I buy him something that he wants, a hug that means the world to me, words that I hang on to reassure myself that he is still my baby. And I hurt when he says he'd rather have you do things for him. I hurt when he turns to you instinctively when he needs something. I hurt because he does not need me anymore. To baby him.

And I live in my memories. Of how it felt to hold him for the first time, have him smile at me, or call me 'Ma', the first steps, the first days of school when I cried everytime I left him there, the way he laughed, or cried, his success and his failures, his happiness and his sadness, the way he bought something for me with his first paycheck, the way he would throw his arms around me and tell me that I was the best Mom in the world. And I wish him well and always pray for his happiness. And sometimes you may think I am being unreasonable. But always know that he is my baby. And this is the love from a mother's heart.